My Current Situation

Bleh...

Didn't think this would happen to me. Especially after having such a
successful '08 with the weight loss and exercise. For my job, every two
years, I have a physical to see if I'm fit enough to sit all day. This
time, I had actually had passed my physical. Even my blood pressure was
fine, when it was high about the year previous. Problem was, the doctor
had left me in a gown, alone in a room for about a half hour "because
they were backed up." When I thought we were finished, I just wanted out
of there, so I wasn't really paying attention to his questions. He found
an irregular heartbeat, which I knew about, but really, this tool just
left me in a room alone in a gown for 30 minutes. I just wanted out.
When he asked, "Has anyone ever spoken to you about this before," I said
no, when I should have said yes. He took an EKG, and found an irregular
heartbeat and some background noise he called "aortic fibrulation"

He refused to sign my medical card.

I had never not passed a physical before, and just a year previous, I
lost more weight in one year than I had my entire life previously. How
could this happen? I only had one week before my medical card expired. I
thought that I could go to my doctor, and override the first doctor.
Nope. I was off the job that second. Went to my doctor. He found the
same thing. Could not sign me back to work. Now, I have to wait until I
can get a echo cardiogram and THEN see a specialist. That will be 2 1/2
weeks.

I'm not okay with this. I'm REALLY not okay with this. As many of the
cholesterol lowering foods that I eat off that gaddam list, I should NOT
have a problem with cholesterol. (Did I mention that? I'm on those meds
now, too.) I take an aspirin every morning. I have to lose weight, but I
am forbidden to do strenuous exercise. No one will tell me that this
problem can be solved. Oh, and once you leave the gaddam doctor's
office, don't think you get to speak directly to a doctor again w/o and
appt. I needed something for work, and the first time, I had to speak
through a nurse twice, and the second time, I had to speak through a
receptionist who spoke through a nurse. Remember what a failure the game
"telephone" is?

I wouldn't mind having the problems if I wasn't being kept in the dark
or people were not being so careful NOT to give me hope. Also, I would
not question the integrity of all involved if they put me through this
on my own time, not on the job clock. Yea, seems that someone noted this
aortic thing back in '05, but thought it wasn't worth bringing up.

You can't tell by talking to me, but I'm not okay with this.

In psychology, they say that you are only as strong as your support
system. Key members of that system seemed to have disappeared recently.
I spend a lot of time thinking about this on my own, or distracting
myself from thinking about it. I walk twice a day. Doesn't mean it's
going to solve a problem that wasn't solved by losing 50 gaddam pounds.

I'm really not okay with this.