No Posts Lately

A couple of people recently mentioned that I have been neglecting my blog. I have two reasons for this. One, I still have two differently shaped feet. The right foot moves and stands much better, but I still want another week before I put it to the test. Two, no trainers showed up Saturday, and I needed some kind of equipment to work out on, because I was not ready to do all running. Even if that equipment was a soccer mom, she would have to go easy on my foot. Three, I have been taking some classes, so I have not been able to sit down and put out something of substance.

Some of you have balked at the Colon Blow website. I found that site looking for an old Phil Hartman Saturday Night Live commercial called "Colon Blow." Who'd a thunk a company would not a) get the joke or b) never have heard of it. I have an Asian on retainer, and he has instructed me on how to put up a video file, so I will try and have it up soon.

My next post will be "What Happened to Mike and Ran in Mexico that night after Kristen Crawled Home from the Bar." It fits a fitness blog, cause there's Kristen crawling, Angie dragging her in the right direction, Stephen OD'ing on Diet Cokes to Fake-Sober-Up, and cause Jack in the Box tastes the same in Tijuana.

Sometimes, This Stuff Writes Itself

www.colonblow.com

About The Foot Itself

I now have a good foot and a bad foot. My good foot does not look so bad. By itself, it looks like a normal foot. Alas, like Nicole Richie, it isn't satisfied looking pretty good on its own. It has to hang with the models, and so details that were never considered lacking are now glaring.

The major difference between my good foot and my bad (evil?) foot is that it looks like someone overinflated it by a few puffs. I wouldn't call it swollen, but if you hold my feet together (Call me!) you can see the angelic foot has detail, tendons and muscles, and a color that matches the rest of me. My demonic foot is pinker, very smooth, and there is no detail other than being more Fred Flintstone's foot than my own. There is a reddish spot on the outside of that bone on the inside of your foot.

To get Satan's Foot into a shoe is a two part process. One, I gently... GENTLY I SAID, slide as much of the foot into a shoe, hoping that by the time I quit, the heel is hanging past the heel of the shoe, and not before it. Two, I step down into the shoe, STILL not moving the toe neither upward nor downward. At this point, I now call my food swollen.

Once I get my foot into the shoe, I do not tie it. I do not need to tie it. Trust me, it's in there.

My foot wakes me up early when it is about 15 minutes too late for my medicine. I cannot just get up and take some medicine. I have ibuprofen that are made for a horse. I have to eat first, so I will not get sick, or some blah blah. I have been sitting in front of my computer in the dark, coating my stomach, making a comfy bed for this zepplin they call a pill. Also, there are the liquids I need to wash the pills down, and the liquids I need to compensate for the drying out the pill is going to do to me, and there are the liquids that I do not take so I do not have to get up again before I am ready.

There is no measurement for that. It's just something you "feel" on the inside.

I'm off to exorcise my foot. My trainer told me that it is important to exorcise at least four times a week. I should have listened. This'll teach me.

05' Gets Its Last Shot In

Considering how my year has gone, I did not think it would be too much to ask to have the last week of it be a smooth one. This is why I sustained the injury that I did.

I strained/overstretched/tore the tendon and/or muscle that goes from my heel to the bottom joint of my big toe. How does one do this? Push-ups. Barefoot push-ups. Psycho, twenty-minute pilates push-up exercises. That and having a weightlifter's flexibility (oxymoron), weighing 300+ lbs. and putting that pressure on the toes only, and, let's not forget, me being me. The doctor said that the injury is the same as if someone bent your fingers too far back.

It is whenever you injure a part of your body that you realize how important that body part is. In this case, this tendon and muscle are responsible for keeping your balance, and the stride in your walk. That seems to translate to not being able to put any weight over the top of my left foot whatsoever without having a stick to bite down into. This also means that to avoid hot knives in my foot, I have had to turn my foot sideways, and walk pirate-style. Even these walks left me with throbbing pain. Also, lifting up or pressing down with my big toe recreated the pain that walking gave me.

I have learned that taking a Ziploc half full of water and draping it over a roll of Jimmy Sage sausage almost shapes the an ice pack like the side of my foot.

At least I've got that for me. Happy Frickin' New Year